Nervous System Regulation Gone Wrong

The concept of nervous system regulation has gained a lot of attention in recent years, often positioned as the key to emotional well-being. We hear phrases like “stay regulated,” “calm your nervous system,” and “avoid dysregulation,” as if the ultimate goal is to achieve a steady, unshakable state of peace. But this perspective is missing something crucial. Regulation is not about avoiding emotions or suppressing natural responses—it’s about adaptability.

True nervous system health means having the ability to move fluidly between states, responding appropriately to life as it unfolds. A nervous system that is always calm is not regulated—it’s shut down. And a nervous system that is always dysregulated isn’t malfunctioning; it’s likely trapped in a loop because something internally is too overwhelming to move past.

The Nervous System Should Regulate, Not Suppress

Regulation doesn’t mean forcing yourself into a neutral state when life is calling for intensity. Imagine a lion charging at you, and someone tells you to “stay regulated.” That’s nonsense. Your body should react. You should feel fear, adrenaline, the surge of energy that helps you run or fight. That’s regulation—your nervous system adapting to the moment.

But what happens when the nervous system can’t adapt? When it gets stuck? Dysregulation occurs when an internal experience is so overwhelming that the system can’t exit its triggered state. It loops, keeping the body on high alert even when the external threat is gone.

This is where nervous system training comes in. We don’t just want to calm the system—we want to expand its range, its capacity to hold both activation and relaxation, just like we train a muscle for strength and flexibility.

Regulation Is a Training Process

Think of nervous system training like physical training.

Building Strength: You don’t build muscle by sitting still; you challenge it. Likewise, we train the nervous system through risk-taking, stepping outside of our comfort zone, and experiencing controlled stress. Public speaking, trying something new, having hard conversations—these are all nervous system workouts.

Increasing Flexibility: Just as we use mindful stretching for physical flexibility, we use somatic practices to help the nervous system return to center. Breathwork, grounding, and deep relaxation practices act like restorative stretches for the nervous system.

Regulation is the ability to shift between states efficiently—not the elimination of emotional peaks and valleys. We need the highs, the passion, the excitement, just as much as we need rest and recovery.

The Danger of Over-Focusing on Calmness

The widespread push for nervous system regulation often leads people to believe that any sign of emotional intensity means they’re dysregulated. But intensity isn’t a problem—getting stuck is.

When we over-focus on staying regulated, we risk:

• Suppressing emotions instead of processing them. If every strong emotion is seen as a problem, we start bypassing real experiences instead of integrating them.

• Becoming afraid of activation. Fear, anger, and grief are all natural states. If we see them as failures of regulation, we’ll resist feeling them altogether.

• Losing adaptability. A truly regulated nervous system can shift from calm to alertness, from sadness to joy, from fear to action as needed.
  
  
  

We Need a Full Spectrum Nervous System

True nervous system health means expanding our range—not limiting it. The goal is not to always be calm but to have the flexibility to move in and out of different states as life requires. It’s about resilience, not suppression.

So the next time you hear someone say, “regulate your nervous system,” ask yourself: Am I regulating, or am I avoiding? The difference is everything.

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Much love,

Val